


life is good

by misschevalier



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, M/M, Mixed Media, Multimedia, Sickfic, i promise i don't kill anyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-18 12:52:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11874888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misschevalier/pseuds/misschevalier
Summary: Ryan is scrolling through his phone when it suddenly rings: it's Gavin. He thinks of three reasons why he could call while hanging out with the Ramseys: a prank, a bet, and he's been drinking a little too much and he's feeling frisky.“Hey,” heanswers with a sigh.“Hey, Ryan? It’s Griffon," she says hesitantly. “Look, uh. Gavin’s at the ER. We were–”Everything he can hear is white noise, muffling her voice.





	1. prologue: new message

**Author's Note:**

> so, i'd like to tell you something: the first draft of this fic was made in 2013 and i rediscovered it months ago. it was quite embarrassing reading something past-me wrote (since it was riddled with mistakes haha) but it was worth it. i really enjoyed working on this piece, from the text to the images themselves, so i hope you really like it too!!
> 
> i feel the need to do a quick **disclaimer** : this is a work of fiction!! keep that in mind that none of these texts, tweets or posts are real, i made them all myself. 
> 
> without further ado, enjoy ♡

 

Ryan feels that everything started with a simple text about Gavin being sick.

There’s frustration twisting on his chest. How is that he sat there, playing videogames and watching his coworkers break stuff, but couldn’t see his boyfriend vanishing slowly?

The worst part is that Gavin went down with a domino effect: one thing after the other, where Ryan could have picked up easily but didn’t. It seems like God decided that, if they couldn’t kill Ryan after several accidents throughout his life, might as well try to kill the people he loves the most.


	2. thoughts for fears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hi, lovely Ryan.”
> 
> Ryan’s heart almost breaks, for some reason.

RTX is always the craziest week of the year.

Even when the Achievement Hunters don’t have to do anything besides planning their own stuff, the mood around the company is electric. There are people going back and forth, thousands of mails to be sent, and a million of things to do before the day.

It’s also the time of the year where Ryan gets the most nostalgic. The feeling of being lucky overwhelms him; he never thought he would be part of such an incredible thing when Geoff first hired him.

Ryan finds himself thinking of how young Geoff looked and how much bare skin he had on his hands and knuckles. He thinks of the small and hot 636 office, full of a cacophony of sounds that could only belong to Rooster Teeth. He remembers how he shifted from working in a production to another, before landing on his respective place with the other guys.

Even when he thinks of that, there’s a memory that overpowers everything else. He still has the image printed on his memory of how Gavin looked the first time they meet: sand colored hair going everywhere, purple shirt missing buttons and a thick accent that sounded fake but it wasn’t. Gavin seemed so silly to his eyes, making stupid decisions and running around with the lads with way too much enthusiasm, to later discover a brain of gold and a tender heart.

Ryan has never asked Gavin if he remembers how they met, even when he’s sure he disregarded the memory a long time ago. Maybe because their start was a little bumpy: it was awkward and strange at first. They were forced into working together without really knowing each other and Gavin always seemed uncomfortable around him.

Either way, they made it work. They quickly became friends that resulted into bickering and discussions and annoying each other until they were laughing at the ridiculous situations.

The only thing Ryan didn’t really expect was the flirting.

He didn’t plan on it but his heart supplanted his brain whenever he talked with Gavin and he couldn’t really stop his own mouth after the words left his lips. It was embarrassing because everyone would notice and joke around it but never Gavin. It was like he preferred to not say anything about it, turning him down without a word. Ryan even tried to tune it down, to stop himself before he ruined their relationship.

The falling in love was a side quest Ryan wasn’t sure he would ever complete.

“Stop flirting,” Lindsay told him one morning, as he was waiting for his computer to boot up. Ryan looked at her with a frown on his face, ready to act confused about what she was talking about, but Lindsay was quicker. “Stop it. He likes you. I’m tired of you two pining for each other and not making a move.”

Ryan was a little shocked, for the revelation that Gavin did like him, and a little scared atthe threat. “Okay,” he mumbled.

Lindsay sat down and pointed at him. “Tonight, everyone’s going out and you’re included. You want it or not.”

That was how Ryan ended up in an office party at some bar in 6th street.

It has never been his typical idea of a Friday night. There was a surprised expression on Gavin’s face and while he was probably not the only one amazed at his presence, his reaction was the only one that Ryan caught. They sat down next to each other and it was as if the bubble of discomfort that had been surrounding them burst. They dove into an easy conversation, unaware of the eyes on them. 

If Geoff forgot Gavin at the bar that night, it was by accident. Or at least he said so.

“I can give you a ride?” Ryan asked, showing his keys. It didn’t take long for Gavin to agree.

They kissed in Ryan’s car in front of Geoff’s house.

Ryan was the one who pulled Gavin into it, a little awkward at first, but something about it felt natural. As if it was meant to be.

Kissing another man must have been new for Gavin, who felt quite surprised when his hand met Ryan’s jaw and found a prickly beard. They laughed when they pulled apart, muttering apologies between breathes. Ryan didn’t remember exactly what came out of his mouth but it made Gavin laugh –a loud laugh with a scrunched up nose and a hand on his stomach.

If Ryan could pinpoint the moment where he fell in love with Gavin, it might be that one.

“I always need to get buzzed before asking someone out,” Gavin confessed, showered in the yellow street light, eyes fixed on Ryan’s.

“Are you asking me out?” Ryan asked, his hand resting on the back of Gavin’s seat. “Like going out. Us. Alone. A date. Maybe.”

Gavin smiled before pressing another kiss on Ryan’s lips. “Yes.”

Ryan felt his cheeks warm up but nodded. “I was going to ask, but yes. I’d like that.”

When they retell the story, Ryan always added that he felt like throwing up.

Gavin sputtered out that he shouldn’t say that, that he was ruining the romantic story. Ryan never explained that it was the nerves, the excitement and his heart racing along, trying to come out of his chest in a physically impossible way, because Gavin’s reaction was always worth it.

Their relationship shifted into something else as they spent more time together, achieving firsts after firsts with each other.

They didn’t tell anyone until a few weeks in.

“Ryan and I are dating,” Gavin announced when they walked into their small office one morning. He was wearing a shirt that was obviously not his and Ryan froze as soon as the words came out of his mouth.

Geoff frowned and started blurting out complains while Jack laughed aloud, Ray smiling at whatever was happening around him. Michael just shook his head as he tapped something on his phone.

Amidst the confusion, Ryan backed out and left to his desk in the warehouse where Lindsay was waiting for him. “I hear you got your shit together.”

Ryan shook his head and left his bag under the desk. “Maybe.”

“Congrats, Ry,” she smiled and Ryan could hear some smugness on her tone. “You made me two hundred dollars richer.”

Of course, of fucking course.

 

 

So, as Ryan walks into a party held days before RTX starts, he feels like he's the luckiest man alive.

His eyes meet Gavin’s for the first time in the night and wonders how the fuck he still gets butterflies on his stomach after many years together. Don’t get him wrong, he loves the feeling, the spike of adrenaline never getting old.

The sky gets colored in shining lights and loud sounds, and Ryan can’t help but press sweet kisses on Gavin’s lips, and life seems perfect _._ Not even on his wildest dreams he imagined having an amazing job, meeting the love of his live and gaining incredible friends.

What else he could ask for?

“This way,” his guardian points out before talking into the walkie-talkie.

Ryan jogs behind them through the back halls of the convention center, swallowing down the bad taste on his mouth. The hallway echoes their steps but he doesn’t hear them, his heart beating so hard on his ears that he isn’t aware of anything anymore.

Almost panting, they make it to a familiar hall. A guardian is already there, holding the door open for them, and Ryan goes in to find a half silent break room and Gavin lying on one of the couches. If Ryan wasn’t informed about what was going on, he would have thought his boyfriend was just sleeping.

Yet, he knows different.

Geoff’s sitting on the couch at Gavin’s hip, looking at the boy as if he was expecting him to stop breathing any minute now. Michael hovers close, his arms crossed over his chest and his brow knitted into a frown. Ryan hears Jack talking and he turns to see him with the paramedics, his lips in a thin line.

He’s worried, they’re all worried.

Ryan walks with wobbly knees and the room falls quiet as he approaches the couch, everyone noticing his presence.

“Hey,” Geoff greets, looking up at him. As soon as his eyes fall on Ryan’s face, he gets up. Geoff would later confess to him that he looked paler than Gavin and, perhaps, ready to collapse. Ryan takes a seat and doesn’t have to ask before Geoff’s already talking again. “He fainted. We were about to go on stage and he just… Funhaus is in for us.”

Ryan nods, not really caring who’s at Center Stage right now. He looks at the paramedics leave and Ryan clears his throat before asking because he doesn’t trust himself right now. “What did they say?”

“Stress,” Michael shrugs. “Couldn’t really find anything wrong with him.”

Ryan nods with his eyes fixed on his boyfriend. He wraps his hand around Gavin’s, feeling how cold his fingertips are.

Gavin must have heard the voices or felt the touch, because he shifts and blinks a few times, trying to shake the tiredness away. His eyes catch a blurry face looking at him and it takes him a while to focus on Ryan’s blue eyes. “Hi, lovely Ryan.”

Ryan’s heart almost breaks, for some reason.

“Hey there,” Ryan replies as he helps him sit up slowly.

Everyone else moves away from them, giving them space. They share a few words before Ryan pulls him into a hug, one hand on Gavin’s nape and his nose pressed onto his hair. Gavin doesn’t think twice before returning it.

It wouldn’t be until hours later when Gavin realizes that Ryan was somewhat afraid: they’re both in bed after the long day and Ryan holds him a little tighter, a little closer than normal, and that gives it away.

They don’t mention it to the audience and Gavin looks perfectly fine on the Podcast panel on the last day of the convention. The Achievement Hunters hang around him more often than not, just in case something else happens. Even when Gavin finds it terribly inconvenient and a little annoying, he doesn’t comment on it. He knows that would make them fuzz more.

So he lets them do whatever they want and, as the days go by, everyone seems to forget about what happened.

Everyone but Ryan.

Ryan notices how there’s a lingering tiredness at work, even when it’s a slow and short day. Ryan notices the constant headaches that make Gavin go to sleep as soon as they get home. Ryan notices how Gavin presses the palm of his hands onto his eyes whenever he feels his vision go blurry only to shrug it off and comment that he maybe needs glasses.

Ryan notices everything with anxiety brewing on his chest. Either way, he doesn’t say anything because Gavin says he’s fine. So he distracts himself and pushes the topic onto the back of his mind.

Regret would sink on his chest days later.

Ryan knows he has to bring it up.

It’s past midnight and he’s alone at home when he makes up his mind. Ryan turns off the game he’s playing mid match because he knows he doesn’t have enough brain to actually concentrate on it right now. The scenarios are running on his mind, the weight of the conversation overwhelming his thoughts: even if Gavin wants it or not, they are going to see a doctor. Enough is enough.

“C’mon girl,” he calls at their dog, Commander, who has been lying at the front door. “Dad will come back later.”

She follows him up the stairs and into the bedroom, wiggling her tail all the way. Ryan finds their cat, Chief, sleeping on Gavin’s spot as if it was his own. He talks to them as he goes around the room and into the bathroom, asking them what he should do, and ends up shutting his mouth because he probably looks like a crazy person.

Ryan’s already on bed scrolling through his phone when it suddenly rings.

The only reasons Ryan could think why Gavin’s calling him are because one, it’s a prank. Two, a bet. Or three, he’s feeling a little frisky after a few drinks and he’s alone in his old room at the Ramsey’s. He wouldn’t dislike the last one but he might need to get the pets out of the room, not wanting to traumatize them or something.

“Hey,” he answers with a sigh.

“Hey, Ryan? It’s Griffon.”

The taste of bile comes up to his throat along with his heart. Ryan sits down and throws his legs over the edge of the bed, not sure if he has to actually throw up. “Uh, hi?”

“Hi,” she says hesitantly. “Look, uh. Gavin’s at the ER. We were–”

Ryan swallows, not really listening to what Griffon’s saying. As soon as he understand in what hospital they are, Ryan thanks her and tells her he will be there as soon as possible. He isn’t sure what happens after he hangs up because he’s moving like a machine, everything blurring together.

He closes the front door, muffling Commander’s soft whimpers and the ghost of Gavin’s laugh.

The hospital isn’t far but it feels like ages to get there, even when the city streets are empty on a Tuesday night.

He parks somewhere and actually runs, struggling with himself because his jacket weights him down and his feet feels like lead. He finds Griffon standing right in front of the ER doors, blonde hair against a gray wall.

She’s hugging herself as if she was cold but the summer heat is lingering, not caring that is the middle of the night. Ryan feels some kind of urgency to hug her and she probably felt the same way because she pulls him into her arms as soon as he’s at hand’s reach.

They are walking down a corridor when Ryan asks what happen.

Griffon has a look on her face, frowning, as if she told him already. She answers anyway. “He was complaining about a headache and, ah, he didn’t look good. Curled up next to Geoff and after a while he got up only to fall on our floor. He didn’t respond to us or anything and–” and a shiver runs through her spine and Ryan isn’t sure if it’s at the memory or at how cold the hospital feels. “He scared the shit out of us.”

“And he didn’t drink or anything?” Ryan questions, just in case.

“Nothing. Said he didn’t feel like it.” Griffon shakes her head before speaking again and she sounds so far away. “Did you know that he has headaches frequently?"

Ryan sighs.  “Yeah.”

How the fuck didn’t he say anything sooner?

They walk into an open area, nurses and doctors moving from one side to another. As they pass the nurse station and a few empty beds, Griffon walks him over the corner of the room where she pulls open one of the drawn curtains.

The first thing Ryan sees is Geoff, standing up and leaning into the bed with his elbows on it, talking to Gavin in a soft tone. He turns around and stands up straight, letting Ryan see his boyfriend.

Gavin’s lying on the bed, an IV connected to his arm. His red shirt contrasts painfully against the white sheets of the bed. He looks awfully tired, exhausted, and Ryan feels his throat close up. “Hi Ryan.”

“Hey Gav,” he greets him and moves to the other side of the bed, searching Gavin’s hand and holding it between his own. Ryan leans to plant a kiss on Gavin’s lips before pampering his cheeks with them. Gavin just hums, a tired smile on his face. In other circumstances, he would have felt a little uncomfortable showing this type of affection in public, but he can’t worry for anything else that isn’t Gavin. “How are you feeling?”

A shrug. “I’m fine.” Ryan rises up and eyebrow at him and his boyfriend just sighs. “I’m tired, I want to go home.”

“Well,” Geoff begins. “They are doing an MRI as soon as the guy gets here, to check his brain, and blood works after that.”

Ryan nods and squeezes Gavin’s hand lightly. “Home has to wait then.”

Gavin’s about to protest when a woman starts yelling something about her kid, sobbing painfully. It’s only a few stretches away from them and all the heads turn around to see. Ryan can’t understand what she’s saying but she sounds heartbroken so he tries to ignore it. He focuses on Gavin’s bracelets on his wrist: the white one shows his name and date, a small code-bar beside it, and the yellow one has big bold letters that read **_fall risk._**

It’s been a while since Geoff and Griffon went for coffee.

Ryan doesn’t blame them for taking their time. Gavin, their best friend, the boy they think as the child they never had, scared them to death today and he’s stuck on the hospital until someone says so. It’s the first time they have to finally catch their breath.

“Something’s wrong with me,” Gavin admits for the first time in weeks.

His voice is a whisper that sounds louder than it is: the ER fell into a silence that doesn’t feel real and both of them have been talking in quiet murmurs for a while.

Ryan shifts on the stretcher. He got himself besides Gavin after his boyfriend whined about being cold and alone, saying that there was enough space in there for both of them. There’s not.

“Do you think I’ll be fine?” Gavin asks and he feels Ryan pulling him closer in the tiny space. Ryan’s silence speaks volumes, so Gavin adds: “Don’t try to make me feel better about the situation. I ignored it enough.”

It takes a while for Ryan to remember how words form and how he gets them out of his mouth. “Something’s wrong with you,” he repeats, “but we don’t know what it is yet.” The words feel too hollow and too honest, so he adds a bit of sweetness in there. “You’ll be fine.”

“You can’t promise me that,” Gavin complains softly, his hands playing with the seam of Ryan’s shirt. “What if I die?”

“God, Gavin,” Ryan says a little exasperated. Part of him wants to promise things that cannot be promised, thinks he can’t keep. So, instead, he jokes. “What do you want me to do at your funeral then?”

For a moment, he thinks he messed up and actually scared the crap out of Gavin, but his boyfriend answers a moment later. “Just play the video of Burnie falling over in repeat. That’s all I ask.” There isn’t amusement on his tone but Ryan just continues talking.

“I’m sure Burnie would love it,” he huffs, shaking his head. Gavin just nods and Ryan presses a kiss onto his temple.

They both fall asleep.

(Jack smiles to himself when he sees the picture.

Ryan has Gavin against his chest, holding him carefully. Gavin’s wearing a sweater that’s obviously Ryan’s, face pressed against Ryan’s neck, mouth open. There’s probably drool in there.

There’s a little pace after finally seeing Gavin, whole and almost alright.)

Ryan wakes up thanks to a loud conversation happening on the stretcher beside him. Or maybe it’s the constant buzz from his phone on his pocket, but he isn’t sure. After opening his eyes and pushing away the confusion of what is happening and where is he, he extracts himself from Gavin’s arms slowly and carefully.

When he finally gets out of bed, he feels something on his forehead. A sticky note.

There’s a smile forming on his chest before he notices.

At first, Geoff wasn’t a big fan of Ryan dating Gavin.

Ryan never really figured out if it was the age gap or how fast the relationship moved or the whole dating-a-coworker thing. Either way, there were a lot of awkward moments cut from their videos. The tension in the office was palpable whenever Gavin would tell Geoff he was leaving with Ryan, months before they even moved in together.

As much as he pushed for Ryan to feel comfortable as an Achievement Hunter, Geoff wasn’t doing the greatest of the jobs. Yet, Ryan endured the side glances he got, the ice treatment before and after recording, and the tasteless comments about their relationship, everything because Gavin was worth it.

Gavin was worth it all.

Ryan had gotten the opportunity to peel away the layers of shyness to find a sweet Gavin, a curious and smart man, who really cared about the things he liked. Still an asshole sometimes but one that Ryan loved. Getting to see Gavin wear his heart on his sleeve for Ryan was all he needed to gather the courage and talk to Geoff.

“Wait, Geoff,” Ryan called as he got up from his spot at the couch and stopped the older man who was already walking out the office after a day of work. Gavin was somewhere in the kitchen talking with Michael and Lindsay before they headed out to the podcast set in the other building.

Geoff turned back and stopped. “Yes?” Ryan was about to say something when heard the front door opening and a few guys from animation coming in. He pointed at their empty office and Geoff closed the door behind them.

It took him a moment to actually take the words out of his chest. “I really care about Gavin. I’m very lucky to have him in my life. In fact, I love him,” Ryan said and he wasn’t sure if Geoff noticed the surprise on his tone because Ryan indeed astonished with himself.

He loved Gavin and the first person he told wasn’t him but Geoff. Amazing.

Geoff didn’t say anything, leaning against Jack’s desk.

“Yeah,” Ryan cleared his throat before continuing, his arms crossed in front of his chest. He was looking down at the floor, quite ashamed that he was confronting his boss, his _friend._ “I just, I’m not sure what you want from me. I mean, you probably think Gavin can do better and well, I’m not going to fight you in that.”

Geoff seemed a little taken aback. “Ryan–”           

“No, look. I’m not sure why it bothers you so much and I really don’t want to know but, isn’t he happy? I, I’m happy too, he makes me happy. I know you want the best from him but I do, too. I don’t have any ill intentions, I just… love him,” and Ryan couldn’t really hear was he was saying because of the heartbeat on his ears. “I’ll do whatever to prove you that I’m good for him.”

The silence lingered and Ryan couldn’t read Geoff’s expression.

There was sadness, as if he just realized that he has to accept their relationship, but there was something on his eyes that told Ryan it was something more. As if he saw himself in a mirror. A shadow of him when he met Griffon, the desperation of wanting to prove he was worth of her love, no matter at what cost.

Ryan wanted to nod and escape but what stopped him was Geoff’s soft tone.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized, a bittersweet tone. He looked down and Ryan thought he could see regret lingering on his face. “I’m sorry I treated you like shit these past months. Gav, he’s like my kid, you know? That asshole,” he smiled and Ryan nodded back, hesitatingly. “You don’t have to prove me anything, Ryan. I can see how happy you two are. It’s kind of gross.”

If a truthful smile escaped from his lips, Ryan didn’t realize until later.

Geoff’s hand fell on Ryan’s shoulder, squeezing softly. “Again, I’m sorry. I promise not to be an asshole anymore. Are we good?”

The weight he had been carrying on his shoulders suddenly dissipated as soon as the words came out of Geoff’s mouth, knowing he was a man of his word. Ryan could feel he could breath freely in the office for the first time in weeks. “I think so.”

Both of them walked out of the office in different directions before Geoff called Ryan back.

“Tomorrow, you’re coming for dinner,” and he stopped for a moment before adding. “We’re going to have _the_ talk.”

If it was a different person, a different moment in time, Ryan might feel anxious about it. Yet, this time around, he smiles and something blooms on his chest. “I’d love to have it with you.”

Geoff walks away shaking his head and smiling.

“Ry?” It’s Gavin’s tired voice that brings him to reality.

His boyfriend is curled up on his side, looking paler than he is, even a little green. The saline solution is already finishing and Ryan makes a mental note to inform the nurses. But, right now, his attention is on Gavin. He leans onto the bed and caresses Gavin’s shoulder softly. “Hey, did you sleep?”

Gavin’s answer comes slowly. “A little,” he mumbles.

“Is it you head?” This time, it’s only a nod.

Ryan moves his hand and rests it on top of Gavin’s closed eyes, covering them from the light. Gavin hums, before resting his own on top of it. They both stay there for a while in silence, letting the ER move around without them noticing.

It seems like hours later when a nurse comes to check on him –Grace, Ryan remembers, her name is Grace. She draws the curtains open and shoots them a tender smile, sympathetic.  She tells them in a soft voice that they will do the MRI soon. After a quick exchange, Graces promises to come back with another bag of solution and, after a little bit of a fight, Ryan manages to get her to ask if Gavin could get any painkillers.

The next time she comes back, Ryan’s sitting on a small plastic chair with his phone in one hand and holding Gavin’s with the other. Gavin, who seems to be finally asleep, is curled up on himself, a jacket lying on his face.

After Gavin disappears from his sight, time seems to slow down.

Ryan has never liked hospitals, the linoleum floor and the washed color on the walls makes him feel like he’s in other dimension, where everything is too cold, too clean, and too impersonal. He understands the concept: you don’t want to make the place homely. That doesn’t mean he can’t be weirded out by it.

And now, since the concept of time is suddenly thrown out of the window, his mind can’t help but think horrible things: Gavin could easily be dying, maybe a terminal or incurable disease, or one of those weird illnesses they show on TV, or who fucking knows.

He tries shaking the thoughts off his head by clearing his notifications. There are messages from Michael and Jeremy and Trevor, from Burnie and Barbara and Jon, and he even has one from an unsaved number that, somehow, he figures out it’s Joel. He answers to some of them, not sure how much he would say.

It’s a while until Grace brings Gavin out, sitting on a wheelchair and wrapped around with a blue blanket. She parks him right in front of Ryan, who notices them when he sees a shadow appear on his side.

“Hi,” he looks up at Gavin, who’s resting his cheek on his palm, elbow on the armrest. When Grace goes to sign some sort of form at some desk, Ryan’s fingers find themselves on the edge of Gavin’s blanket.

Gavin looks at him with a raised eyebrow.

Ryan wants to make a joke about how cute he looks or how blue suits him, but his heart overpowers his thoughts and just smiles warmly at Gavin. “I love you,” and maybe it’s the tone of his voice or the way he says it but something about the words make Gavin look at him tenderly.

Gavin’s hand searches for his and, if Ryan didn’t know better, he would say that he’s just reciprocating the gesture. Yet, he does know better: Gavin’s scared and he’s looking for comfort. “I love you,” he says and Ryan just smiles back.

Grace returns to find them like that, staring at each other in silence.

When the early afternoon rolls around, Ryan finds himself thinking it’s the weekend.

As if the past hours never happened.

There’s a movie playing in low volume on the living room but Ryan’s not paying attention to it. He sinks deeper on the couch and lowers his eyes: Gavin’s sleeping with his head on his lap, his hair going everywhere since Ryan kept playing with it. Chief’s curled up on his side, while Commander lies awake on the floor, vigilant.

Ryan rests his head on the back of the couch, looking up at the ceiling.

They still don’t know what’s wrong and, if they do, they haven’t told them anything. Blood tests take a while and, while the MRI is immediate, it seems they’re waiting for the whole picture before they give out the results. The only good thing was the prescription meds Gavin got for his headaches, but that’s it.

The constant worry on his mind is tiring Ryan.

The front door opens and closes when the credits roll by. Ryan turns to see and finds Geoff looking at them. He doesn’t say anything for a moment, his eyes falling on Gavin.

“He ate when we came home, took a shower and everything,” Ryan announces and that’s when Geoff’s eyes fall on him. He looks tired, too. “He wants to go to work tomorrow.”

Geoff snorts as he passes a hand through his face. “Like hell he will,” and he adds, frowning. “Have you eaten?”

“Me?” Ryan asks, almost confused. Geoff’s blue eyes seem piercing on him. “Not really.”

Geoff nods and walks to the kitchen, leaving his phone and keys on the counter. “I’m making dinner.”

It’s weird but nice. Geoff improvises a pasta with a sauce Ryan can’t manage to pronounce and dinner goes smoothly. Gavin laughs at something Geoff says and everything feels normal.

Ryan fears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if it isn't obvious by this point: the ramseys never had their amazing daugther millie, ryan never got married and gavin never dated meg. 
> 
> anyway, i love these boys so much.
> 
> the fic is already finished so i'll be updating often! like, every three days. i promise.


	3. mistakes and reconciliations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin falls asleep, his whole side pressing against Ryan’s, wearing Ryan’s jacket, listening to Commander running around the yard and Ryan’s awful singing voice and–
> 
> It’s nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for the kudos!!

Geoff gives them the rest of the week off.

So, by the time they come in on Monday, everyone is hovering around Gavin. Ryan can’t really distinguish between the people that are genuinely concerned and the people that expected him to have an eye opening experience and wanted for Gavin to be a new man, or some shit like that.

The only people that aren’t overreacting, Ryan notices, are the Achievement Hunters themselves.

Jeremy is already there when they come in. His greeting is warm, asking a few questions here and there before focusing back on his screen. Jack walks in and pats Gavin on the back, his lips curling into an unsaid _nice to have you back_ that, while it might be strange, Gavin appreciates it. Ryan thought Geoff would do something similar but he doesn't. He ruffles Gavin's hair as soon as he comes in and ends up roughing him until both of them are on the floor.

They’re halfway into a wrestling match on the floor when the door opens up again. They stop when they notice is Michael, Lindsay looking from behind his shoulder. He stops on his tracks and lets out a shocked “you started without me?” that makes Gavin squawk and laugh louder.

It’s strange, but nice, just like it has always been with them.

Some people pop their heads into the Achievement Hunter office to say hellos and _glad you’re okay_ that sometimes seem too forced and too awkward. The lads have the time of their lives mocking them whenever it happens.

Ryan wants to worry on Gavin’s first day back but he seems alright.

The pain meds really help with headaches and it’s a visible change. Ryan also notices how he’s taking it surprisingly slow, cutting short his time of staring at the screen, which means that he’s also searching for something to destroy. 

While the lads’ side of the room is loud, the gents sit amused in their own, observing. Ryan can see how both Jack and Geoff keep shooting glances at Gavin, worry coloring their expressions. Yet, that could be because they are trying to convince Jeremy to eat something gross and stupid.

Either way, Gavin doesn’t notice.

It’s like everything’s normal.

Like nothing ever happen.

The office is quiet by the time Gavin has to leave for the podcast. It’s only Jack, Ryan and him.

“Haywood,” Gavin calls as he stands up from his desk, watching his computer as he sends the last mail of the day. “I’m heading off.”

Ryan, who seems to be immersed in some lecture, takes a moment before looking up at him. His glasses are perched up on his nose and Gavin finds him adorable. “Text me when you’re done?”

“Are you going to drink?” Jack asks, genuine curiosity on his words. “I mean, can you?”

Gavin shakes his head before looking down at his phone. “I shouldn’t so I won’t. I’m taking tablets.”

“Android tablets or iPads?” Jack jokes, gaining a chuckle from Ryan.

Gavin rolls his eyes and tries not to smile. “Pills! I’m taking– whatever. I’m leaving.”

A chorus of byes is the last thing he hears as the door closes behind him.

The parking lot is almost empty and the Austin sun is inclement even at that hour in the afternoon. He’s halfway to the set when his phone rings, a number he doesn’t recognize shining on his screen. He presses the answer button without thinking it twice and puts the phone against his ear: it’s a woman, asking him if he’s Gavin Free.

When he answers affirmatively, she starts saying something about calling from the hospital.

His heart stops, or it feels like it stops, or time stops, or his body just forgets how to be a body, because the only thing Gavin can hear is the woman’s voice being far away, telling him things like _abnormal results_ and _come as soon as possible._

When the call ends, Gavin stares as his phone for a moment before pocketing it and walking into the main building.

It can wait.

It takes Gavin three days before he makes up his mind.

He knows he has to go and see what the hell is happening with him but, at the same time, he doesn’t want to face it. He’s scared shitless but that’s something he’d never say aloud.

Midday rolls around and Gavin makes up an excuse of having to buy some stuff for a Slow Mo Guys shoot. Michael frowns up at him, before asking: “I didn’t know Dan was coming?”

Gavin has always been a good liar when he puts his mind on it. “He might be flying in next week, I’m waiting for him.”

“You didn’t tell me,” Ryan groans softly from the other side of the room, passing both hands through his hair and leaning back on his chair. While Dan was great and everything, dealing with two brits was a bit too much sometimes, hence Geoff’s laugh on his side. Gavin apologizes smoothly at him and leaves before anyone can offer him a ride. Or ask why he doesn’t buy it from Amazon. Or ask what the fuck he was going to buy.

The Uber ride is quick but waiting for his turn at the hospital feels like forever.

As he sits there, a feeling of _something_ stirs on his chest.

“Gavin Free?” Someone calls and he moves in automatic, following the person and sitting down again in some chair in a small office. The doors close behind him only to open up immediately, or that’s what it feels like. The doctor walks in, her hair in a pony tail. He’s not sure what he says when he greets her, not sure what pleasantries they exchange, but it’s only a few minutes later when she’s pointing things at the MRI on the computer screen.

“The two shadows you can see over here,” she points at them with a pen, “are tumors.”

Gavin’s looking at the image of his brain, a greenish blue image of his brain in a computer, with two tumors like two ping pong balls. On his brain. There. That _something_ returns and he manages to put a name to it: vulnerable. He feels vulnerable. “Are they bad?” He asks, feeling like a child for not phrasing that better.

She looks through the papers. “By the looks of it, both from the MRI and the blood tests, it seems like they benign,” then she makes a face, a _but_ waiting at the end of the sentence, so she continues. “But that doesn’t mean that you’re in the clear. They’re tumors and while not malign, they are still putting pressure on your brain.”

“Oh,” Gavin deflates on his chair.

“So,” she raises her eyebrow. “There are different types of treatment we can start–” She’s still talking but Gavin’s attention is fixed on the screen.

How the fuck is he going to tell his family? How is he going to tell everyone?

Geoff would probably cry. Burnie would be very worried, that serious face he doesn’t get often. Michael would try to comfort him before making some kind of joke, or maybe that’s how Jeremy would react, and Ryan–

Oh god, Ryan.

“Mr. Free?” She calls him softly, her hands on top of the desk. “Are you okay?”

Gavin is a little surprised, as if he suddenly forgot she’s there with him. Or he’s here with her. It doesn’t matter. “I, I’m fine.”

“It’s okay to feel confused or scared,” she says in a sweet tone, contrasting with the cold walls of her office. “I’ll be here to answer any question. These type of things, they are complicated but not impossible.”

Gavin doesn’t say anything back, so she adds: “You want us to call someone for us, Mr. Free?”

While his first instinct is to say his boyfriend’s name, he stops himself and shakes his head. “No, no,” he answers quickly and that makes her frown. “I’m good, really.”

After a few minutes talking, Gavin leaves the office with a new contact on his phone and an appointment for next Wednesday. There’s also a blossoming headache that he tries to ignore. He slumps on his Uber ride back to the office, thinking how the fuck he’s going to bring the topic up. By the time Gavin gets back to the office, he has a plan on his brain. He manages to convince himself that it’s not the end of the world and there’s a chance he’s going to be alright. He’s going to tell Ryan and his friends and take the bull by the horns and–

And sometimes things don’t go according to the plan.

It wasn’t on Gavin’s to-do list to tell the founding fathers before Ryan, but he’s there and they are there and it’s a closed room, so the words go out of his mouth before he realizes he’s doing it. “Uh, before you leave,” he announces and all eyes fall on him. “I went to the doctor yesterday. They had my results.”

Geoff pales, figuring out quickly that he lied to them. “What?”

“Yeah,” he says and there it is again, the feeling of being a scared child with some guilt mixed in. He feels somewhat naked in front of them so Gavin tells them, letting out everything and repeating words from his doctor. He’s mostly surprised he remembered what she said.

By the end of it, Burnie looks stone cold serious, and Gus mirrors him. Matt has a soft look that pains Gavin to see. Geoff looks like someone punched him on the guy, his eyes damp. Everyone is silent, as if they were digesting the words, thinking of what it means.

Geoff’s the first to talk. “So, what are you going to do?”

“I’ve an appointment for this Wednesday. We’ll talk more in dept and, yeah,” Gavin replies, scratching the back of his ear, trying to not look at them. He feels exhausted.

“Why you didn’t tell us?” Geoff asks again, his voice shaking. Even before Gavin could come up with an answer, Geoff keeps talking, that accusatory tone tainting his words. “We could have been there for you!”

“I don’t know?” Gavin looks at him and he hears Burnie sigh softly.

Geoff has his lips in a thin line and he’s about to say something else when Matt talks, his word being the last. “You have to tell people soon. Keeping this from everyone will hurt them, and it will hurt you,” he shrugs. “You need them. need us your side. There’s a long road ahead.

Gavin only nods and, as they walk away, he makes Geoff promise not to tell Ryan.

Ryan knows there’s something bothering Gavin.

He also knows that if he tries to bring it up, Gavin won’t talk and he would just hide it deeper onto himself. So he watches the gears turning on Gavin’s brain as they come home. He’s been quiet throughout the whole day and he hasn’t said a word besides answering Ryan’s question about dinner.

It’s finally at night when Gavin talks.

Ryan’s in bed, reading some book when the light of the hallway turning off catches his attention and, as soon as his eyes leave the pages, he sees Gavin standing under the doorframe, looking smaller than ever.

“Hey,” Ryan hums and dropping his book onto the nightstand. “What’s wrong?” Gavin crawls in silence onto the bed and lies on top of Ryan. His nose is buried on Ryan’s collarbone and Ryan finds the weight of his boyfriend comforting. His fingers are passing through Gavin’s hair as he asks again, in a lower voice.

“I’m sorry.” Ryan’s heart clenches because Gavin’s voice is so soft but comes out so broken.

“What for?” He asks, his other hand caressing his lower back.

And like the last drop in a full glass of water, Gavin spills over and tells him everything. He feels guilty for not saying anything since the beginning, he feels guilty because Ryan tenses under him. He feels bad because Ryan might not trust him now, might be upset or might feel like breaking up with him. On top of everything, he feels vulnerable, telling everything with raw emotion.

He sheds that layer and let’s Ryan sees him.

Ryan doesn’t say anything until he finishes.

“You’re scared?” And the way it comes out of his mouth makes it sound more like an affirmation than an answer. It’s a bit of shock when Ryan doesn’t have to read between the lines to figure Gavin out.

Gavin feels goosebumps arise on his skin and Ryan soothing them over with his hand. The thought of never admitting he’s afraid gets thrown out of the window. “I am.”

He moves upwards when Ryan takes a deep breath, his lungs filling in. “We’ll do whatever we need to,” and he pauses, before talking. “You said it yourself, I can’t promise anything but. I’ll be there right beside you, okay?” Ryan confesses, his nose pressing onto Gavin’s hair and his lips brushing his temple.

“Okay,” Gavin nods.

It’s a while before any of them move.

Gavin shifts around until he’s sitting on top of his boyfriend, both legs on each side of Ryan’s hips. If they were in a different context, Gavin would have loved to be in that position, the room probably perfumed with lust.

But right now it’s different.

Ryan’s eyes are clear and both of them look at each other for a moment, letting the news settle. “I love you,” Gavin mumbles and Ryan shoots him a small but warm smile, his two hands caressing his arms. Gavin repeats the words, letting emotion wash over them, and it’s not long before Ryan pulls him into a kiss.

It’s sweet at first, their noses bumping awkwardly, but it changes after they share a look. It feels like they want to say hundred and one things to each other, their hearts wanting them to let go and speak until their throat are raw and their chests lighter.

Yet, actions speak louder than words.

They make love. It’s quiet, with moans and whimpers that are shushed down between pants. There are touches that produce goosebumps and shivers, and kisses that are much more than just mere lust. Ryan takes Gavin apart and pulls him back together perfectly, with expertise, and Gavin doesn’t want to be anywhere else but there, sinking between the sheets.

Ryan doesn’t think anything else than Gavin over and over again and just lets himself go.

They fall asleep on each other’s arms.

Ryan is the first one to wake up and sees the damp streaks on Gavin’s face after an early trip to the bathroom.

He brushes them away and cuddles his boyfriend closer.

The weekend passes quickly. It’s nice because they don’t think about anything.

They don’t think about tumors, about sickness, about what’s happening or what could happen, and they live without worries for two full days. As soon as they see each other that morning, Gavin with a load of batter on his hand and Ryan with tired eyes but soft expression, they knew.

So they just forget.

They watch old movies and shows that are so bad that they mute the TV and end up making up the dialogs. The end up improvising chocolate desserts with some of the pancake mix for lunch. Ryan reads aloud to a sleeping Gavin on his chest. They make out in the couch until they are half-hard and out of breath. Gavin takes his meds with a swig of home-made fruit smoothie, the mango taste sweetening his pride. Ryan distracts him and talks about which knife that they own could be good for throwing and Gavin wonders if it would be a good Slow Mo Guys video. They keep talking as they take Commander out for a walk around the neighborhood before they go to sleep.

They wake up late. They ignore their phones, hidden somewhere in the bedroom. They have slow, teasing blowjobs in the living room and quickies in the bathroom. They cuddle their pets in the bedroom and Ryan complains Gavin’s spoiling the cat by carrying it around everywhere. Gavin complains back, Chief curled on his arms. They make lunch and play footsie under the table. Gavin throws it back up almost immediately. Ryan tries to hide his worry. They spend the rest of the afternoon in the living room couch, presenting each other the most ridicule million dollars but questions. They try their fucking best to enjoy the weekend.

It’s late in the afternoon when Ryan pulls him into the backyard, rambling about how pretty the sunset looked. Gavin isn’t feeling well but somehow lying on the trampoline, listening to Hall and Oates, watching the clouds seemed like a pretty good cure.

Gavin falls asleep, his whole side pressing against Ryan’s, wearing Ryan’s jacket, listening to Commander running around the yard and Ryan’s awful singing voice and–

It’s nice.

Living is nice, even when it sucks sometimes.

Living with Ryan is amazing.

He’s scared of losing everything in a blink of an eye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sure there are more steps into knowing if a tumor is benign or malign, but you know, i'm not a doctor and the internet told me a bunch of things i don't understand. also, english isn't my native language so if you point out any mistakes, i'd be very happy to fix them and learn from them!!


	4. a CVS parking lot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I think we’re ready,” Griffon says, standing behind him with the razor. Gavin looks at Ryan, who’s sitting in the floor of the porch.
> 
> “Ryan,” he calls, because he’s like that. “Don’t you want to do it?”
> 
> Ryan gets up and there’s hesitation. “Not really.”
> 
> “C’mon man,” Geoff encourages him, nodding towards Gavin. “Just a strip.”
> 
> It turns out that when you shave off a strip, you have to finish the whole thing –that’s the Ramsey rule. That’s how Ryan finds himself shaving his boyfriend’s head while Griffon watches and points out uneven patches, and Geoff gives a live commentary of what’s happening behind Gavin

On the Wednesday appointment, Gavin feels calm.

Maybe it has to do with the fact that Ryan is there, sitting next to him.

Ryan shoots him warm smiles in time to time, when their eyes meet, as if he was telling him that everything will alright and it does wonders to Gavin’s anxiety. His presence is soothing and Gavin thinks of his own stupidity at not bringing him the first time.

They don’t have to wait a lot before they’re walking into the doctor’s office –a specialist, Gavin now realizes.

This time there’s no white noise overpowering his thoughts and he can understand what she says clearly and, question after question, they make a decision: surgery. It’s the main treatment for this type of situation, she says. Gavin’s got a bit of luck on his side, she says. It’s high risk, she says, and that part echoes on Gavin’s head a few times. “After that, we’ll see what the next move should be.”

Ryan objects and asks his own questions; Gavin just nods along.

They leave the office with hundred and one things to pick on the way home, or at least that’s what it feels like.

When they are waiting for the elevator, Gavin sneaks his hand to hold Ryan’s. They walk the whole way out and into the parking lot hand in hand but, now that they are in front of Ryan’s car, neither of them moves. Ryan plays with the keys on his hand and it’s a moment later when he moves to unlock it.

They sit down in the car and Ryan hasn’t turned it on. It takes a while for Gavin to notice that they aren’t moving.

Ryan’s hands are clutching the steering wheel, knuckles white. Gavin drops one hand on top of Ryan’s, trying to pry away the fingers. “Are you okay?” Ryan says, stealing the words out of Gavin’s mouth.

They look at each other. “Of course I’m fine,” Gavin answers. Ryan gives him a look, his expression calm. Gavin knows he’s looking a little pale, he’s looking back at Ryan with his eyes too wide. “I’m fine.”

“Please,” he says, serious. “Talk to me, Gav.”

Gavin just rest back onto his seat, his head on the headrest. His hand moves away from Ryan’s and lets it fall on his lap, feeling suddenly tired. Defeated. “I’m sorry. I, I don’t know. Surgery, possible chemo, I could –” he stops himself right there, the words _die_ hanging at the tip of his tongue. “Why me?”

Ah, the million dollar question. Ryan exhales and shrugs. “No idea. Life, I guess. It works like that, no one can control what it does.” Ryan looks outside the driver window for a moment, his lips in a thin line as if he was thinking hard about something.

Gavin feels himself sinking and he has to take a few deep breathes to control himself. “I’m scared.”

The look Ryan shoots at him, raised eyebrow and sad eyes, says enough. “You’ll be fine. Come here.” It’s an awkward hug, cars aren’t made to be hug in, but here they are. Ryan hugs him tightly, shushing him lightly. If Gavin lets out a tear or two, Ryan doesn’t realize.

Gavin falls asleep on the drive home, leaning against the passenger door, and Ryan can’t help but turn to look at him at every red light.

It’s three am when Ryan wakes up to find the other side of the bed empty.

If his heart is racing, he doesn’t feel it because he’s too busy untangling himself out of the sheets and getting out of the bed. Commander, who was asleep at the foot of the bed, wakes up with the jostling and lets out a soft puff before following him out of the bedroom.

Finding Gavin doesn’t take long: he’s sitting on the couch in their living room, one of the standing lamps turned on. Chief’s circling him curious, looking at him as he talks reassuringly into the phone. Ryan walks without making noise and stands on the hallway for a moment. He hears the words _mum_ and _it’s fine, I’m fine_ more than once, so it doesn’t take too much brain power to figure out who’s at the end of the line.

It’s after Gavin hangs up when Ryan pads into the living room and sits beside his boyfriend on the couch.

“You heard?” He asks, looking at the phone between his hands.

“Yeah,” Ryan replies quietly.

Gavin nods his head. “This is the first I heard her cry. It sucks.”

“It does,” Ryan says as he presses his shoulder against Gavin’s, not sure if he wants to be comforted.

He looks around the room in silence, the clock on the wall ticking into the early morning.

“Want tea?” Gavin looks at him blankly and Ryan kind of understands. “Oh, right. Tea, England, home, yeah, I get it,” he stumbles over the words. “Uh, I don’t know. You want coffee or want to go out to eat, somewhere… in some American thingy…” and Ryan stops talking for a moment. “I’m making things worse.”

Gavin lets out a huff before chuckling. “You’re making things worse,” and Gavin pushes his shoulder against Ryan’s with a soft smile. His face is tinted with sadness but his expression is warm. “That’s why I like you.”

“Because I make things worse?” Ryan jokes back.

Gavin could say no and point out all the different reasons why he loves Ryan, for example, trying to comfort him awkwardly even when he looks dead tired. Yet, Gavin just shrugs and answers, containing his laugh. “Sure, it’s charming.”

“Oh, please,” and both of them share a quiet chuckle.

Their cat starts meowing for food while their dog sits there. When they get up from the couch to get them food, Commander almost runs herself into the kitchen wall while Chief’s snuggled safely on Gavin’s arms.

They follow Ryan’s plan –it’s six in the morning when they walk into the first place they encounter that serves breakfast. Ryan flubs his order and Gavin makes fun of him every chance he gets. They talk about videogames and politics in a low voice while they wait for their food. They talk about getting another pet and end up discussing if it should be a dog or a cat. They argue who’s paying to finally, at the recommendation of their waiter, split the bill.

Gavin doesn’t think of England and Ryan makes sure of that.

So, by the time they walk into the office later in the morning, Gavin’s in a better mood.

When Gavin returns from hanging out with Burnie and Ashley a few houses down, he has to do a double take.

Ryan’s sitting at the dining room table with papers spread out all around, typing something on his phone. It’s not a place he would usually find Ryan at but what shocks him it’s that _his own macbook_ is resting there. Gavin programmed a user of Ryan long time ago, in case he wanted to use it when Gavin was away.

It’s just… he never expected Ryan to actually use it.

“Hey,” Ryan greets him as he lowers his phone, leaving it on top of some papers. Gavin stands there in silence and he can observe some thoughts running on Ryan’s mind. “Are you–?”

“I’m fine,” Gavin interrupts him before stating the obvious. “You’re using my laptop.”

Ryan glances at it and nods. “You said I could.”

“I mean, yes, of course,” he rambles out quickly before sitting down in front of him. The house keys hit the table, under his palm. “It’s weird, seeing you with an Apple product.”

The jab goes unnoticed. Or Ryan notices and decides to ignore it; he just deflates on the chair. “I’ve been on a rampage and this was closer than mine.” It doesn’t take long for Gavin to understand. He sees the papers on the table and they tell him enough: studies and researches that, if Ryan was a doctor, would make sense of having. But he is no doctor.

So it’s just worry making him research like crazy.

If it was physically possible, Gavin is sure his heart would explode because of being overwhelmed with this strange mix of feelings. He isn’t sure what it is but it taste like happiness and disbelief –the question of how the fuck he ended up with this incredible man running through his brain.

Ryan clicks on something. “I was reading on a blog about this woman who named her tumor. Steve, the tumor.”

“Suck a bad name,” Gavin says as he gets up. He walks behind Ryan and wraps his arms around him. He leans forward until they are cheek to cheek, observing the screen in front of them. The number of open tabs makes Gavin feel like his heart and stomach are doing an acrobatic routine inside of him. “I’m not naming my tumor.”

Ryan stills for a moment before leaning backwards. “I’m not saying you should. Naming things make attachments and I don’t want that,” he confesses in a tender tone, too honest. “We don’t want that.”

“No, we don’t,” Gavin murmurs. They stay like that for a while as Ryan closes tab after tab: blogs, sites about surgery risks, forums, and studies about treatments.

Gavin knows Ryan probably has all of them bookmarked already.

One month and a week.

Gavin stands outside of the CVS as Ryan goes to pick up his new prescriptions.

He walks back and forth on the side walk, the lights of some cars shining down on him as they pass on the street. It surprises him to feel envy blooming on his chest: he envies those drivers, whose worries are about getting home and seeing their family after a long day at work.

Part of him knows he shouldn’t feel like that, think like that, because everyone has their own problems and it’s not the Hurt Olympics or whatever, but that’s just how he feels.

One month and a bloody week.

Gavin’s stomach turns and he wonders if that’s the envy.

It only takes him a few seconds to discover that no, it’s not, that he’s actually feeling sick, and he’s throwing up around the corner and into some bushes. The dry-heaving hurts, not on his throat or his stomach or his sense, but his chest: there’s a big knot on it he can’t untie. It’s way to tight.

Warm hands caress his back, comforting, and the rustling of a plastic back and the murmurs of his boyfriend’s voice are like music to his hears.

The different lights of the cars and the lamppost and the signs in Austin night shine down on him as he’s seated sideways on the copilot seat of the car, something cold being press against his hands –a bottle. Gavin’s drinking it almost immediately. His head clears up after a moment or two, recollecting his thoughts, only to find Ryan kneeling in front of him.

Gavin could say he looks worried but that’s the expression that has been sewn on his face for the past weeks.

“I’m okay,” Gavin mumbles, his mouth not cooperating with him. “I got overwhelmed.”

Ryan squeezes his knee and nods. “Setting a date is a big thing, it alright to feel like that.”

Gavin nods and takes a few more swigs of Gatorade, as it turns out, before Ryan tells him they are driving back home.

They get stuck in traffic and Gavin closes his eyes so Ryan thinks he’s asleep.

One month and a week until they cut open his brain.

Telling everyone isn’t easy but it helps Gavin wrap his head around the idea that, yes, this is happening.

Before anything else, he tells the Ramseys.

Ryan offers to accompany him, to give him support, but he knows he has to do it alone.

They invite him over one afternoon and Gavin hangs out with them for a while. They end up on the backyard dock, talking among themselves. Griffon, who’s sitting directly in front of them and leaning against the railing, lets out a laugh. Gavin catches Geoff looking at her with loving eyes, a relaxed smile on his face.

They look so happy but the bitter taste on his mouth makes him talk.

“I’m getting surgery in a month,” he announces before the nursing the rum and coke without rum that Geoff served him with a smile, one similar on his hand.

It feels like the world stops for a moment, even the birds and the street outside. They stay still, looking at him, and Gavin feels he’s watching their reaction in slow motion: Griffon lets out a soft exclamation that sounds heartbroken before she downs the rest of her drink, while Geoff brings his hands onto his face. It doesn’t take long before there are tears running down Geoff’s face, quiet sniffles echoing the backyard.

“Yeah,” Gavin says, feeling Geoff shift beside him. “You’re the first one to know.”

Geoff lets out a whimper before pulling him into a hug. It’s not strange to see Geoff cry but, for the first time, hearing Geoff, the man who he looked up to and became his best friend, his America dad, his boss –hearing his Geoff cry it’s hard. And Gavin isn’t sure how to feel because he’s crying because of him.

Gavin wants to apologize for _something_ but Griffon joins them on their hug, pressing a kiss on his forehead. “We’re here for you.”

It’s been a while since he’s been between their arms and it feels good, he melts into the touch. Gavin thanks them honestly before mentioning something else. “I want you to be there before the surgery,” he tells Geoff, and the _just in case_ hangs in the air.

“Why are you making me cry so much,” Geoff replies, who suddenly seems like he can’t control his sobs anymore. Griffon laughs, just like before but with a hint of sadness lingering on her voice. She pulls her husband into her arms and starts joking about him being a big baby. Gavin laughs and joins her, making Geoff whine at them.

Burnie takes it a lot better.

He doesn’t cry or sob or gasp, he just nods. He listens and nods.

“So, yeah,” Gavin sighs, petting Joe on his lap. “It would be nice if you were there before– before I go in.”

That’s it, the punch on the gut. Burnie lets out a big exhale. “Of course, yeah.”

They don’t confess to each other or give each other comforting words, they don’t tell each other I love yous, but Burnie asks him for a hug when he walks Gavin to the door –it’s a tight, strong hug, without awkward pats in the back. It’s lovely.

As he walks back home, Gavin thinks about life.

Surgeries are risky, brain surgeries ever more. Part of him already knows he will be different after everything ends while the other parts tells him that there’s a possibility of not even having an after. Or being alive to see it.

The knot is still on his chest but as he spends more time thinking about it, as he spends more time feeling comfortable with the idea that everything could happen, as he spends more time accepting the fact that it was happening, the knot gets a little loose.

Telling people helps so he taps an email on his phone before he gets home.

They take it well and Gavin’s chest feels a little lighter.

After they pass the seriousness and they exchange a few words, it’s easy going. They make jokes, he shows them his MRI and Jeremy is the one who points out that that it looks like a dick. “Seriously, dude. If you draw a line here and here, it’s a dick!” It’s great. Gavin laughs, he sees Ryan laughing, and everything feels little better.

Gavin walks into the streaming room and closes the door behind himself, Michael already there and messing around with their recording settings. He sips on his cup of warm tea as he sits down and Michael grabs his attention.

He turns the chair at him, leaning back and his hands together in the middle. “I can’t believe they are opening your brain,” Michael starts, his chair moving from one side to another. Gavin has noticed he does it unconsciously. “It’s weird.”

“You tell me,” Gavin jokes and Michael shakes his head, amused.

“Hey, but seriously. This is the only time I’m going to say it,” Michael states, leaning closer. “Lindsay and I are available for anything you might need. You go and get better,” he pauses as Gavin nods. “The office will be different without you and we’ll miss you fuck ton. Just try not to something stupid and die or whatever.”

There are mixed feelings at the words, knowing that the risk is there, but Gavin doesn’t let them matter now. He owns this. “Michael,” Gavin says with a fake tone of disbelieve.

“If you die, I wonder if we can grab all your shit from your desk and bury it with you.”

“Michael!” Gavin laughs and Michael follows with a what, smiling widely at him. They throw around jokes and weird sounds for a while, getting themselves pumped for another recording session. Gavin puts his headphones on and starts jumping on his chair.

And while his head might hurt a little, the surgery is looming, and he has to deliver more and more news to everyone else, Gavin smiles throughout the whole day.

Gavin texts everyone else that need to know about the surgery, not caring if it’s impersonal.

He doesn’t want to deal with anything else. He has done enough with telling Geoff, Burnie, the guys and some other people around the company. While thankful, he’s tired of people crying and saying nice things. He wants to go back when everyone called him an asshole and laughed at his ridiculous jokes, he’s still himself.

So, he just sends texts. Short, quick, and done.

By the end of the week, most of the company knows.

He writes a post for the journal, saving the draft somewhere in his home computer.

If Gavin spends hours going through footage from their last Slow Mo Guys shoot, he doesn’t realize. His body feels too wired up and his mind’s working on a different setting, going back and forth the footage and the post, changing things here and there. He snaps back in place, back into the office with the dawn already hitting the city, when he finds himself looking at his lawyer’s number on his phone, wondering if he knows someone who can arrange wills.

He saves it as a reminder and goes to sleep in Ryan’s arms wondering if he has to write down the passwords for everything he owns.

Time passes quickly.

Since Gavin will be out, and Ryan along with him, the office is full –all day, every day, the whole week.

They film so much for the backlog that Gavin’s almost sure that they hit the hundreds in raw video files, if not more. At the thought, he realizes he also has some footage of Jeremy drinking an insect smoothie that he has to send to the editors, too.

They realize it’s almost a week until the surgery because Jack comments on it. “Hey, isn’t your surgery in, what? Ten days?”

Ryan’s sitting on the couch, fixing Geoff’s audio control when he looks up, shocked. “Oh, whoa.”

“That’s,” Gavin says to himself and shakes his head, before sharing a look with Ryan. “That’s… now.”

“Yeah, dude,” Michael adds from his desk, looking between them.

The mood shifts and it hits its peak when, in the middle of a Minecraft recording, Gavin mentions something else. “Ryan,” he starts, because he always starts that way. There’s a conversation about iron and furnaces between Jack and Jeremy that quiets down.

“Yes, Gavin?” It’s the answer, Ryan’s thumbs hitting the controller as his character fights with some mobs.

“Do you know how to shave a head?” Gavin asks and Geoff lets out a sound in confusion.

“Do I know how to shave a head,” Ryan repeats, feeling confused himself. “I mean, I guess? It might not come out the best looking,” and he pauses, as he encounters an enderman. “Why do you ask?”

Michael springs up. “Yeah, Gavin. Why?”

“I mean, the doctors are going to shave my head. Might as well do it- oh, diamond!”

“Might as well do it diamond, of course,” Michael repeats after him and the guys giggle softly, even when it’s not that funny.

The conversation changes after that, but that doesn’t mean the topic isn’t still up in the air.

Gavin gets a weird déjà vu, or whatever it’s called, as he sits in the porch of Geoff’s house, ready to shave his head. Life’s completely different from the last time he sat there, a few years ago.

 “I should have let out my bread grow,” Geoff comments as he sits down on one of the chairs, his hands scrubbing his barely-there beard.

“That was just one in a lifetime type of thing,” Gavin says and sits back, crossing his legs and looking at the street in front of them. The afternoon sun is shining down on them, the trees drawing shadows on the grass, and Gavin thinks it’s the perfect weather to get shaved to. Griffon comes back with the razor and a towel not a few minutes later. They talk while she goes around, putting the towel hanging on his back and preparing everything.

“I think we’re ready,” she says, standing behind him.

Gavin looks at Ryan, who’s sitting in the floor of the porch, his legs hanging out of it and barely touching the grass. “Ryan,” he calls, because he’s like that. “Don’t you want to do it?”

Ryan gets up and there’s hesitation. “Not really.”

“C’mon man,” Geoff encourages him, nodding towards Gavin. “Just a strip.”

It turns out that when you shave off a strip, you have to finish the whole thing –that’s the Ramsey rule. That’s how Ryan finds himself shaving his boyfriend’s head while Griffon watches and points out uneven patches, and Geoff gives a live commentary of what’s happening behind Gavin. It’s a strange sight, Ryan has to admit, even when it’s not the first time that Gavin’s been with a shaved head. It’s probably the circumstances that are making things weird.

When he’s finished, he lets the razor on the table and passes a hand on Gavin’s head, pressing a kiss over his ear.

“Gross,” Geoff says.

Gavin himself passes his hand over his head a few times, unused to his head feeling that light and his hair being that prickly.

Right now is when he realizes that everything is real. That realization makes him feel good.

Like he’s just a few steps away from pushing the past few months onto the past.

He’s ready for whatever the universe has to bring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Incredible enough, [Steve The Tumor](www.everywhereist.com/20-things-you-can-expect-after-brain-surgery/) is real thing.


	5. outside the bar, inside the shower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Look, it would be weird if you were fine and totally unaffected by it.”
> 
> Ryan huffs and on his face, a small smile blooms. “I feel things. Surprisingly enough, I’m not a psycho.”
> 
> “You sure about that?” Geoff jokes just to try to lighten the mood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter for youuu

It’s only a few days until the surgery and Gavin finds himself observing Ryan.

Besides the normal quirks he has, Gavin sees things that only been happening for the past few months: how he taps ideas on a yellow page on his phone in the middle of the night, or how he somehow knows so much about how the brain works, or how he has started to starch the rubber out of the controllers without even noticing.

He looks alright. Tired and a little stressed, but fine.

(Either way, Ryan’s an actor. He knows how to hide things well, how to keep a mask on.)

Yet Gavin doesn’t think too much about what he can’t see, because he’s busier falling in love for him all over again.

“You look good,” Ryan comments. He appears on the mirror and he wraps his arms around Gavin’s waist from behind, resting his chin on his boyfriend’s shoulder. Their eyes find each other and Gavin observes himself: he’s wearing a nice pair of jeans and a button up, noting too fancy but nothing to sluggish. His shaved head and his beard gives him a tough look he’s sure he’s not pulling off well.

Ryan smiles at him and presses a kiss under his ear. “Thank you,” he replies. “I feel good.”

“Well, that’s great” and perhaps they maneuver each other so they could be pressed chest to chest, kisses on their lips and warm hands under their clothes. Gavin pulls back and looks at his boyfriend, before trying to heat up the situation. Ryan stops him after a few seconds. “How about we continue this later? When we come back.”

Gavin groans. Ryan chuckles. “Alright.”

They have dinner on a nice place downtown and they enjoy both the food and the company.

Gavin is sure their waiter hates them, because he seems like a brat, and Gavin annoys him ever more by sharing loving stares with Ryan throughout the whole night. It’s nice until Gavin tries to find out more ways to annoy him even more, but Ryan stops him before he either a. breaks something, or b. sets something on fire.

After they finish, they walk around the streets for a while, observing some of the storefronts.

They are holding hands like it’s nobody’s business.

Ryan stops in front of a place in 6th street that Gavin recognizes from spending some nights there holed up with Geoff or Michael. He observes the store sign before Ryan pulls him in, out of nowhere. “What are you doing?” He asks, because he can’t drink and Ryan doesn’t drink and doesn’t like this type of place, so he’s confused.

They walk inside and make their way through the crowd. Gavin tries to ask what’s happening and Ryan just laughs, a child like smile on his face.

At the back of the place, in a long table, there are people.

It takes Gavin a moment to realize who they are.

Geoff is the first one to spot them, getting up and pulling Gavin into a tight hug.

Everyone is there, accompanied by their loved ones, looking at him as if they were expecting them. Gavin returns the hug, still blinking with confusion, before pulling away. “What’s happening?”

“Welcome to your pre-surgery party,” Geoff says, amused, as people start to get up and greet them with hugs and smiles.

It’s strange but everything about his life is strange, so he embraces it. Gavin greets everyone back, feeling a little emotional on the inside but he laughs it out, the table bustling and buzzing. He sits between Michael and Jon, and it’s not a few minutes later when Jack stands up and gives a few words, wishing him a good and speed recovery. He throws an asshole here and there, and everyone laughs.

Gavin cheers with a bottle of coke.

The clink of the glasses echoes on his mind.

Gavin’s too distracted to notice Ryan excusing himself and leaving the table.

Geoff shows that to Jack, both of them noticing that he hasn’t come back.

Jack nods and continues talking with Joel on his side after he finds Gavin talking with Gus and Esther at the end of the table.

The bar is full and Geoff walks around it for a moment. Ryan’s not there, and after he searches the bathrooms, he’s still empty handed.

If it was another type of person, Geoff would have thought they bailed out. That he left Gavin there, too tired and too stressed to care for a sick person, so he left, walked out of the bar and from Gavin’s life.

But it’s Ryan.

The man who looks at Gavin like he’s his sun and moon even when there’s still rage boiling inside of him after a discussion, the man who could annoy Gavin to death but still apologize profusely when the cameras stopped recording. The man who would probably have asked Gavin to marry him years ago if it wasn’t for his boyfriend’s fear of commitment so he waits, he would wait years if necessary. He’s the man who works to understand everything so he can be realistic, prepared for the worst.

Ryan, _that_ man.

There are some chairs and tables on a small terrace, Christmas lights hanging over them because why not. It’s quiet for the most part and, when Geoff sticks his head out to look around, he finds him immediately.

Ryan’s standing at one of the tall tables, opening peanuts in front of him but not eating them. He looks lost on his own thoughts.

Geoff calls him as he walks over and Ryan gets surprised by it. “I’m sorry,” and of course he starts with an apology. “I needed fresh air.”

The air isn’t exactly fresh where they are, the scents tobacco and alcohol mixing in together. Yet, Geoff understands what he means. “I bet,” he nods and rests his elbows on the table. Ryan’s still crushing the peanuts under his fingers. “Are you going to eat those?”

“Uh,” he lets out as if he just realized that he’s been doing that. “No, not really.”

Geoff pops one on his mouth. “Sucks for you, I love peanuts.”

They stand there in silence as a loud group passes by. Geoff takes the opportunity to observe Ryan.

As the surgery has been getting closer, Gavin seemed more comfortable with the idea of what could possibly happen. He doesn’t look scared whenever someone mentions it. He even started joking about it, knowing that death was still a possible ending for him.

Ryan is, in the other hand, another story.

Under the dim Christmas lights, Geoff can see how the purple bags under Ryan’s eyes seemed to get dark as time passed by. His shoulders are tense and he’s always on the defensive, a prey ready to escape when panic arises. 

Geoff’s waiting for the moment he breaks down.

“How are you?” He asks after the group has quiet down.

Ryan looks at him with a deadpan expression, as if he didn’t want to give out what he was really feeling. That only makes Geoff want to hug him. “I’m fine,” Ryan began. “It’s been weird, that’s all.”

Geoff makes a face. “You’re probably not fine,” he tells him, confidence on his voice, and Ryan’s face falls before looking down at the crushed peanuts. “Gavin’s about to get his skull rip open and his brain touched. There are things that could happen because of it, I’m sure you’re aware of it.”

“Yeah, I am,” he admits and Geoff’s sure he has read several things about it.

“Look, it would be weird if you were fine and totally unaffected by it.”

Ryan huffs and on his face, a small smile blooms. “I feel things. Surprisingly enough, I’m not a psycho.”

“You sure about that?” Geoff jokes just to try to lighten the mood. “It’s going to be rough, buddy, but. I’m happy you’re on his side,” and his hand falls on Ryan’s shoulder. “And you need someone to be there beside you, so we’re here. All of us, okay?”

Ryan nods and plays with one of the peanuts, because he needs to do something with his hands. “Thanks, Geoff.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. It’s like no one believes me when I say we’re a family,” he says as he pats Ryan’s cheek playfully. Ryan chuckles. “Let’s go back inside.”

When they return, Gavin’s laughing loudly at something and as soon as he sees Ryan walking back, he asks him where he was. “I was making out with Geoff in the back,” he answers.

“Hot,” Griffon comments. That ends up with Gavin making noises and Jeremy almost spitting his drink out of his nose. Michael’s laughing loudly too, taking jabs at Gavin, and Ryan observes how Jack and Geoff lift their glasses at each other.

Family, uh?

The next morning, Gavin wakes up and hears the shower running on the bathroom.

He stretches in bed, noticing that Commander has now taken Ryan’s spot right beside him. Gavin pats her on the head before getting up from bed.

The bathroom is damp and foggy, warmer than their bedroom. Gavin walks in silently, discarding his clothes with the idea of a good morning already playing on his mind. The sound of the water hides his steps on the tiles and, as soon as his hand is on the curtain, he pulls it back, ready to surprise Ryan.

Ryan looks at him and Gavin freezes, the smile he has been wearing dropping from his face.

Even when he tries to hide it under the fogginess and the water, it’s obvious that Ryan’s crying.

His eyes are puffy, his shoulders are tense, his chest shakes lightly. His skin is red from the water, almost scolding hot. The expression Ryan wears tells Gavin that he indeed surprised him, but only because he found him on his hiding spot.

Gavin walks into the shower, almost by inertia, and reaches to turn off the water. As the water stops, the only sounds in the bathroom are the droplets of water hitting the tub and Ryan’s sniffs.

 Ryan’s hair is stuck to his forehead. He open and closes his mouth, as if he was trying to find some words to explain whatever was happening here, but he ends up looking away from Gavin, ashamed.

Gavin feels his heart falter and his hands shakes when he moves to cradle Ryan’s face between them. Ryan’s first instinct is to melt into the touch, chest raising and falling erratically, hiccups followed softly.

As soon as Gavin pulls him into a hug, Ryan cries loudly, with his arms wrapped around Gavin tightly. Gavin has to take a few deep breathes because he realizes that it’s the first time in years he gets to see Ryan’s vulnerable side, and it’s not because they are both standing there, naked. It’s not a carnal vulnerability.

Ryan’s crying, he’s wearing his heart on his sleeve, and Gavin wonders how much time he has been bottling up his feelings.

Gavin lies in bed with Ryan on his arms.

They have been like that since they finished up breakfast, the plate sitting safely on the nightstand.

Ryan’s breathing deeply, as if he has fallen asleep, and Gavin continues to play with his now dry hair. He doesn’t think about anything, he stays grounded by the weight of his boyfriend’s body, focusing on him. Focusing on the replaying scene on his mind: he wonders how many times Ryan broke down in tears without him noticing. He asks himself why Ryan didn’t tell him, why they didn’t talk, but he also knows the answer already. 

Gavin thinks and wonders and asks himself questions until he feels the need to ask: “Are you scared?”

It’s a weird parallel to a few months back but Gavin doesn’t mention it. “I am,” it’s the first thing Ryan says, his warm breath hitting Gavin’s chest. Ryan’s fingers dance on Gavin’s waist, in a comforting manner. “I keep thinking about what could happen and I, I hate I can’t do anything about it,” he confesses.

Gavin doesn’t say anything because he understands, he can imagine the sense of impotency, the stress of waiting hours not knowing what’s happening to him, the being unable to do anything else but worry. He gets it.

“I didn’t say anything because, I, you have enough things on your plate and I,” he stops. Ryan sniffs and looks up at Gavin, his eyes searching something in Gavin’s expression. Gavin only mumbles his name, clinching his jaw. He sinks onto the bed, closing his eyes and pressing his forehead against Ryan’s, his hand on the back of his neck. It’s calming.

“It might be my problem but it affects you too. I worry,” Gavin mutters.

“I’m sorry,” Ryan apologies back, Gavin shakes his head and they sit in a moment of silence. “I was trying to be strong for you.”

There’s a pang of something in his chest and Gavin just shakes his head, not really sure what to say. “You don’t have to.” If Ryan apologizes again, he does it like a prayer, wrapping himself tightly around him. Gavin speaks again, letting out something that’s not a promise but a confirmation that can be true or not, and Ryan appreciates it. “We’ll be fine. Whatever happens, we’ll be alright.”

Ryan’s smile soothes the worry away from his expression. “I love you.”

“I love you,” Gavin echoes. The sweet moment is interrupted by their dog whimpers from the foot of the bed, as if she knew something was happening between them. “Come up girl, dad needs cuddles,” and that makes Ryan chuckle sadly. She jumps onto the bed, wriggling between their arms. They stay there for a moment before getting up and getting ready so they can take her out in a walk, a few hours before they have to go to work.

If they come in later than usual, if Ryan’s a little touchy today, no one comments on it at the office and Gavin’s thankful for it.

 


	6. small miracles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She moves her lips as she talks but Ryan can’t comprehend anything else beside the first words: The surgery went well. Her relaxed and satisfied expression speaks volumes at him and he can feel himself relax, just a little bit. Ryan thanks her when he notices he’s waiting for an answer on his part, and she smiles, saying that’s her work.
> 
> When they return to sit down on the chairs, Ryan inhales and exhales deeply, as if it the first time he’s breathing.

“I’m cold,” Gavin mumbles as he shifts on the hospital bed.

He looks like a small child with a pout on his face and his arms crossed over his chest, wearing Ryan’s jacket. Ryan chuckles where he stands beside him and rests his elbows on the bed, looking at him. “Be honest, you just hate wearing that gown.”

“I do,” he says in a low voice. “It’s weird.”

“Yeah, well. That’s just life now,” Ryan tells him and Gavin makes a face towards him, wrinkling his nose. To an outsider, he might be seen as a little bit of a brat, but Ryan knows he’s just draining his nervousness by talking and complaining.

It sinks into Ryan that this is real and it’s happening: the gown, the shaved head and face, the IV coming up to his arm –Gavin’s going to have his head open and jab at for a few hours and the risks of everything going wrong flash through Ryan’s head one too many times.

The sounds of the hospital moving around them seem overwhelming for a moment, thinking that this might be their lives for a while. “Hey,” Gavin calls him in a soft voice, his cold fingers reaching for Ryan’s. “You okay?”

Ryan smiles and brings the hand up to his lips.

He observes at Gavin for a moment, thinking. “I’m not,” Ryan answers truthfully. He doesn’t want to say more so he presses kisses on Gavin’s knuckles but stops at his ring finger. His thumb, almost unconsciously, starts caressing the skin where a marriage ring would be.

If he fantasizes about seeing a metal shining on there, he does it by accident, just like the way the words come out of his mouth. “What do you think about getting married?”

It’s a little weird how he phrases that because, well, he already knows the answer. They have talked about it, long time ago, and there are reasons why Gavin didn’t want to get married and Ryan understood. He wants to backpedal but he sees Gavin’s eyes lighting up, and he stops himself. “Marry you?”

“Yeah,” Ryan lets out shakily. “Or you know, maybe we can find you some pretty doctor here in the hospital.”

Gavin laughs and Ryan smiles at him. “No, I’m good. I think I found the one.”

And the words come out casually, as if he had made up his mind long time ago, and that makes Ryan’s eyes start to water.

“Really?” He chokes on the words. “Oh, wow.” Gavin tries to brush a tear but Ryan holds his hands with his own, pressing it against his face, trying to recollect himself. They share a long look, smiles wide and bright on their faces, and Ryan feels his heart wanting to burst out of his chest.

(In the other side, Gavin’s thankful he’s not attached to any machine that can read his heartbeat because that would be awkward).

“Will you really marry me?” Ryan asks, just to be sure.

And Gavin answers, tenderly. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

When a nurse comes by to check on him and finds them smiling like idiots, she doesn’t comment on it.

“Million dollars,” Gavin starts as soon as she walks away. “But when you marry me, you grow a vagina.”

Ryan chuckles and thinks about it for a moment. “Okay, but what are talking about? Is it functional, do I menstruate? How did it get there? Do I still have my dick?” Gavin laughs and Ryan has to shush him every time they come up with strange situations.

“So, would you do it?” Gavin asks, squeezing his hand.

“This only happens if we marry, yeah? I like my dick so I don’t think I’ll take it. The engagement’s off.” Gavin opens and closes his mouth in fake shock and Ryan laughs loudly, for the first time in hours.

The same nurse comes around and tells them to shut the hell up.

She’s way too tired for this shit.

Burnie and Geoff come minutes later complaining about how bad the Austin traffic is.

Time passes slowly on the hospitals but it feels like seconds until the nurse comes back to tell them it’s time, time to say quick goodbyes and show the anxiety down their throats.

“We’ll see you soon, buddy,” Geoff smiles bright at him and passes a hand over the shaved hair. Gavin complains softly but still smiling. Burnie pulls him into a short hug and nods, he’s a man of little words when it comes to this situations and Gavin appreciates it.

It’s a little bit hard for Ryan to let go. It seems like he wants to say a lot of things but he settles in the most obvious one. “Love you,” he mutters and Gavin repeats it back, before pulling him into a kiss.

They walk away and Ryan keeps turning back to see the gurney, the jacket on his hand smelling like him.

By the time they cross the doors of the prep area, Gavin’s out of his sight.

The waiting room is a small room on the side of the hallway, with a glass door and a couple of chairs. Through the window, Ryan can see the skyline of downtown Austin in the distance, visible with the contrast of the blue sky. No clouds to be seen.

The three of them sit down next to each other, the only ones in the room.

Burnie and Geoff busy themselves with their phones but Ryan just crosses his arms and leans back into the chair.

Because that’s the only thing he can do now.

Ryan falls asleep around the third hour and Geoff’s thankful.

After they finished their long game of UNO, Ryan paced around the room, up and down, back and forth, in and out, and it was getting on Geoff’s nerves. While he could have said something to him, it was better having him walking around than sitting down and moving nervously.

Ryan sat down and fell asleep almost immediately.

“Do you think they’ll be fine?” Burnie asks out of nowhere, looking at the man sleeping on the other row of chairs in front of them. “I mean, uh. I don’t know what I’m asking.”

“No, I get you,” Geoff tells him, looking up from his book, and shrugs. “Gavin’s not a quitter, we know that. Ryan, well. I think he would do anything he can do to take care of him. So, I think they’ll be fine. Give them time.”

Burnie nods. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“Of course I’m right,” it’s what he gets in return and Geoff goes back to his book.

Geoff walks in with three cups of coffee and hands them out.

They are sitting in silence, a couple sitting on the other side of the room.

“I proposed to Gavin,” Ryan announces out of nowhere and Burnie is surprisingly the one doing the spit take. Geoff lets out a loud exclamation and Ryan finds himself shushing them.

“To marry you?” Geoff asked, patting Burnie on the back. “And he said yes?”

Ryan looks at his coffee before looking at them. He smiles. “Yes.”

“Oh my god,” Geoff lets out, still in shock.

Burnie pats his shoulder. “Congrats man.”

“Thank you.” Ryan then notices Geoff leaning forward to look at him.

“We’re going to have the talk, again,” and this time is Ryan’s turns to laugh because, of course. Of fucking course.

Ryan might be lying if he says he wasn’t going mad.

They were the six longest hours of his life and he spent them all in a small waiting room, but they passed, even if it was excruciatingly slow.

The doctor comes out to talk to them and, as soon as Ryan recognizes her in green scrubs, he shoots up from his chair. Burnie and Geoff follow behind him out of the room and into the empty and silent hallway.

She moves her lips as she talks but Ryan can’t comprehend anything else beside the first words: The surgery went well. Her relaxed and satisfied expression speaks volumes at him and he can feel himself relax, just a little bit. Ryan thanks her when he notices he’s waiting for an answer on his part, and she smiles, saying that’s her work.

When they return to sit down on the chairs, Ryan inhales and exhales deeply, as if it the first time he’s breathing.

A nurse walks them into the Intensive Care waiting room.

He preps them for what’s coming up: no phone, disinfected hands, and what they will find won’t look like anything out of a movie. It will be messy, with wires coming from anywhere, gauze, blood, medications, drains, and a breathing tube that he swears it’s not hurting him even if it looks like it. Seriously.

When he asks who’s going first, Ryan finds himself being stared at by Geoff and Burnie.

“Why don’t you go first?” He offers, panic arising on his chest. I’m not ready.

Geoff frowns but nods. “Whatever you say.”

Ryan sits down a few seats away from an older lady who seems to be crying.

Geoff comes out the doors with a hand on his face and looking way too pale.

Burnie has a hand on his shoulder, as if he was guiding him. Or expecting him to faint, Ryan isn’t sure which one. As he helps Geoff sit down, he’s telling him something about how it was a good idea that he drove them in. “The nurse was right,” Burnie says, this time to Ryan. “Quite an impression.”

If Geoff mumbles it’s awful, Ryan ignores it.

“I’m taking the old man home,” Burnie announces after a few minutes of them watching Geoff gain color on his face. He looks at Ryan before adding: “Do you want me to come back and stay with you a few more hours?”

Ryan shakes his head. “It’s okay, I think I can be here on my own,” and he hopes the thankfulness slips into his words because he is. He’s glad they have good friends. “Thank for you staying.”

“Of course,” Burnie nods. “Call if you need anything.”

“Goodbye Geoff,” Ryan says and, before he realizes, he’s being pulled into a tight hug. It’s strange but Ryan is now used to these things and just hugs him back.

“Call if something happens or if you need to talk. Or a hug, I got an expert at home at that. An expert in hugs and wood carving, but I don’t think you need that one.” Ryan chuckles, sadness bubbling on his chest. “Anything.”

“Thank you.”

Ryan walks into a quiet house.

Commander walks up to greet him, whimpering softly. He kneels in front of her, patting her playfully, but she keeps making noises at him as if she asking where dad is.

“He’ll be back soon, okay?” He tells her, before getting up. He notices the bowls are full of food and he thanks silently to the air. They asked Jon, who lives in the same street, if he could come up, feed their pets and check on them every now and then.

Chief is sleeping on their bed and Ryan lets himself fall beside him.

He feels exhausted but, at the same time, too scared to go to sleep. Of course Geoff came out shaking, the man on the bed looks nothing like Gavin. It’s a bruised, smaller version of the man Ryan fell in love with.

The silence on the small room didn’t help his nerves either, because all he could hear was the beeping and the hum of the fan. Gavin was lying on his side, gauze on the side of his head that’s not on the pillow. There were wires on his arms but also going up his nose, besides the giant tube that helps him breath. On his finger there was one of those things that read his pulse.

He stood in front of Gavin’s bed, his hands on the plastic railing.

Gavin’s chest raised and fell slowly but steady. Ryan didn’t sit because he wasn’t sure if he would be able to stand up again. He took his boyfriend’s hand and stared at him.

“I’m here,” he whispered. “Just like I told you, right beside you.”

Ryan wanted to stay there the whole night, his eyes fixed on him, but the nurses encouraged him to go home and sleep. He could have easily said no and stayed, perks of being Gavin’s next akin, but he didn’t have any change of clothes or mental strength left.

He stays there in bed, looking at the ceiling.

If he falls asleep, he must be out only a few minutes because the sky outside looks the same.

He wakes up and starts cleaning everything. He does laundry of clothes that aren’t dirty. He goes around arranging things that aren’t out of place. He cleans the fridge and lines things on the door by due date. He buys a fuck ton of pillowcases from Amazon, since he read somewhere that he might need to change those every night. He also buys some of Gavin’s favourite British candy.

He goes jogging with Commander when the sun is appearing on the horizon.

It’s a few hours later when Ryan drives to the hospital in silence.

Ryan doesn’t remember falling asleep.

What he does remember is that in one moment he’s sitting down next to Gavin’s bed and, on next one, he’s being pulled out of the room by someone. The only thing he sees it’s the blur that’s Gavin, who’s being moved by doctors and nurses all together. There’s so much noise. The alarms and the voices are so loud around him that he’s not sure where he is, who he is, or why he was there, so he tries to walk away from it as quickly as possible.

The chairs in the waiting room are all empty and Ryan throws himself into the closest one. His hands shake badly and he hides them on the pocket of his hoodie, trying to control his whole body. Including his breath, which explains why he feels like he’s going to pass out.

A doctor he doesn’t know comes out and starts talking to Ryan about what happened. Ryan keeps nodding but he’s not paying attention to it.

“Ryan,” someone calls.

He looks up and sees Geoff and Burnie standing there, Jack and Griffon right behind them.

“What are you doing here?” He asks stupidly, his voice trembling and his mind foggy.

“Why are you crying?” Jack asks with an obvious worry on his tone. Ryan blinks at him before passing a hand over his cheek to find it damp.

Burnie asks what happened and Ryan tries his best to answer. Both Jack and Griffon are sitting beside him, trying to comfort him, helping him not have a panic attack while talking. He’s clenching and unclenching his hands, not sure what’s he’s feeling right now. “I’m sorry I didn’t take care of him,” Ryan breaths out, as if he was swallowing the words. “I’m so sorry, I know I promise but–”

“Ryan, Ryan,” Geoff calls, kneeling right in front of him. “It’s not your fault. There are things that can’t be helped.”

Burnie returns to tell them that they have to wait a while until they can see Gavin.

Jack and Geoff take Ryan for a walk outside the hospital.

It’s two days after the surgery and Ryan reads aloud.

Gavin’s still in the ICU and still hasn’t woken up.

The doctor tells him it’s normal. In the end it’s the brain you’re talking about: it’s an organ that controls almost everything. You really shouldn’t be jabbing it with a small knife and cutting matter like it’s a cheese plate. Ryan recalls reading studies and blogs where they say the same thing, everyone’s different, but that doesn’t soothe his worries.

He stops reading his book and wonders what it would be like if the roles were reversed.

Part of him knows it would be very different but still the same. Ryan feels his head getting fuzzy at the thought so he walks out of the room, not after he presses a kiss on Gavin’s temple carefully and tells him he’ll be back soon.

He misses the first time Gavin comes back to himself.

The pain medicaments are making him a little dizzy, unable to blink away the fogginess in his eyes. It’s like he’s wrapped around in a mist, huddled up between its arms like a child and incapable of moving. There’s some pressure on his throat and he doesn’t feel his lips. He would be panicking but he’s not thinking about anything and, if he does, he doesn’t remember it. He just knows that he’s tired, too tired to be awake.

By the time Ryan comes back, he’s still out like a light.

Ryan enters to the Achievement Hunter office and finds everyone already there.

Well, everyone that isn’t Gavin, Geoff, or himself.

They obviously don’t expect him there so their first reaction is shock, thinking of the worst with their eyes already wide. Ryan’s shoulders relax and tells them that everything’s fine, that he’s not messenger of bad news –he doesn’t think he would be there if that was the case.

“Geoff wanted me out of the hospital,” he confesses, shrugging and still standing under the doorframe. “Say I’m really going to get mad in there.”

Jeremy chuckles and welcomes him back, telling him that his desk is still there and they haven’t broken anything. “Well, we broke a lamp the other day but that was Trevor… again.” Ryan chuckles because, of course.

He spends the day checking mails and catching up on videogames news he missed out. Jack talks to him about what they have been filming, about some new games that he would totally love and they’re probably going to do more videos on it. He tells him what he has missed out in the office gossip and while Ryan has never been good at keeping track, he welcomes the easy distraction.

They record a Jack Box game and Ryan laughs. It’s been a while since he had laughed in such a manner. If Lindsay looks prouder and glowing from making him laugh, Ryan doesn’t notice it and just thinks it’s because her answer was ridiculous.

He takes a mental note of thanking Geoff later.

Geoff’s bored.

Of course Ryan would get mad if he spends night and day beside Gavin, Geoff’s already going crazy and he’s been there only a few hours.

The walls are white and boring, the windows are closed and the only sounds are either Gavin’s machines or the hum of the hallway. The chair were Ryan’s ass has been for the past few days is not comfortable at all so he spends most of his time complaining about it to Gavin.

“My ass is going to be a plank,” he groans as he keeps refreshing his inbox, expecting new mail. “I’m going to bring my own cushion next–”

Geoff stops himself mid sentence because he hears Gavin groan on his side. It’s low and coming from the back of his throat, but it’s there.

He stands up from his chair and leans over the bed, his hand resting on Gavin’s arm. “Hey buddy, you there?” He asks in a whisper. Gavin frowns and blinks a few times before focusing his tired eyes on Geoff, who reaches over to press the button for the nurse before concentrating on Gavin. He grabs his hand, expecting Gavin to feel the warm hand. “Hey, it’s great to see you.”

Gavin shots a half smile with closed eyes, and squeezes Geoff’s hand lightly.

Ryan is turning off his computer when his phone starts ringing on his pocket.

He freezes, figuring out if he imagined it. The phone keeps buzzing and he gets it out of his jeans. His heart sinks when he sees who it is. “It’s Geoff,” Ryan says as Jack rolls beside him and asks him what’s wrong. The room is silent when everyone realizes what’s going on. The call stops and Ryan fumbles with his phone to press the correct sequence so he can call back Geoff.

“Ryan!” It’s what greats him after several beeps.

“Geoff?” Ryan asks, not sure what’s happening.

The words wash over Ryan like relieve and happiness and hope all mixed together, like the best feeling cocktail he has tasted in the past few months. “He woke up!” Ryan gets goosebumps and he leans back on his chair. A hand is holding his phone to his ear and the other going to his face before he lets out a small chuckle. “He kept mumbling something about your cat while trying to suck on ice chips. It was great.”

“I bet,” Ryan says and there’s a pang of something when he thinks he wasn’t there the first time Gavin woke up.

Geoff knows him and notices the tone of his voice. “The doc says he probably won’t remember waking up. It takes time before he makes actual sense.”

“Of course. Thanks for telling me,” he clears his throat and looks around to see everyone looking at him. “I’ll, I’ll be there in a few.”

“Sure thing, buddy” and he hangs up.

Lindsay is leaning over her chair, Michael is standing up playing a game with one headphone off his ear so he can hear and Jeremy is walking around the room nervously while playing with a ball. Jack stays there right beside him before he talks. “What happened?”

Ryan smiles quivers as it forms and he’s sure his cheeks are a shade of pink. “He woke up.”

The words are like a trigger to a series of hoots and yeses and a cacophony of sounds that brings Trevor and Andy from the other room to check what the heck is happening. Ryan laughs, feeling all the tension wash away with it. Maybe he wasn’t there to see it, but part of him it’s glad. He would have probably end up crying.

He runs out of the office with cheers, as if he was going to conquer the girl of his dreams.

The first time Gavin actually remembers waking up, Ryan’s there.

He is standing next to the window and leaning against the wall, tapping something on his phone. Tapping like an old man, holding the phone with one hand and tapping with one finger, what a dork. In the light of what it seems early morning, he looks tired but calm. His hair is a little short, as if he just got it cut, but his beard is looking good. Gavin observes him, wondering what he did to deserve the man.

Gavin sniffs and scrunches his face when he feels the cannula on his nose, and that’s enough to get Ryan’s attention. He looks up at him and Gavin can’t help but smile tiredly at him.

It’s the first time they have seen each other in a while.

Ryan’s smile lights up the room, brighter than the sun ever did. He walks towards him and leans over, his elbows on the railing and his chin resting on his arms.

“Hi,” Gavin croaks, trying to find his voice. Ryan moves and helps Gavin take a few sips out of the water, the pink straw contrasting against the white plastic cup. “Hi,” he repeats.

“It’s good to see you,” and it’s true. It’s nice to see the green eyes looking at him, the freckle decorating Gavin’s face under his right eye. Ryan’s hand hovers over him and finds itself caressing Gavin’s soft stubble. “How are you feeling? Anything hurts?”

“My everything hurts,” he mumbles out and both of them let out soft chuckles because, yeah, that’s how it’s supposed to be. “I’m happy you’re here.”

Ryan smiles and rests his head against his other arm. “Where else I would be?”

And Gavin smiles.

 

 

Stage five stands beside them, imposing over them.

Ryan observes Gavin getting out of the car, a fresh breeze blowing on their faces. The hat Gavin’s wearing almost gets blown away by it but he stops it from doing so, both of them sharing smiles. They walk in and Ryan swears he can hear Gavin’s heart beating as he’s bouncing on his own feet, excited. It’s not the first time they have seen him since the surgery, all of them visiting him in the hospital and at home at some point. Yet, it’s the first time he has been somewhere that wasn’t the house or the surrounding streets, with Commander on a leash.

Gavin’s looking better every day and Ryan can’t help but keep a smile as they walk over.

 “Hello,” it’s the first thing Gavin says when they walk into the office, Ryan behind him.

There’s a cacophony of greets that make Ryan feel warm inside, make him feel lucky. Gavin’s all smiles and they all talk and ask how is he, how is he doing, and he answers honestly and shows the stables and, when Andy walks in and sees it, he gags and that makes Gavin gag too and it’s all fun and laughs.

“We’re only here for a few minutes,” Gavin announces and Jeremy makes a pained noise.

“You shouldn’t exhaust yourself,” Ryan adds as he sits down on the couch, going through his phone. The lads are talking amongst themselves when Jack sits down beside Ryan, asking him how he is. Ryan sighs. “Oh, I’m fine. It’s been difficult sometimes but it’s alright, it’s all worth it in the end.”

“Oh, Ryan,” Gavin calls him and turns around on his desk chair, the files starting to copy on his external drive. “We never told them.”

“Oh, yeah, we didn’t,” Ryan realizes and he looks around the room before shrugging. “I guess we didn’t have time.”

Jeremy shoots a glance between Gavin and Ryan, who’s sitting on the couch. “What, you’re going to tell us that you got married in an adrenaline rush or something?” He asks and that gets out a few chuckles out of Lindsay and Jack.

Ryan and Gavin stay quiet and everyone else understands.

“What?” Michael barks, smile wide on his face.

“Is it a prank? Is it a prank, Geoff?” Jack asks, standing up from his chair and looking at the older man, who’s laughing hysterically at his desk.

“We’re only engaged bu. Surprise?” Ryan says. They receive hugs and congratulations that come from the heart and if Geoff cries, they don’t comment on it. Amidst the chaos of hugs and loud talking, Ryan catches Gavin laughing. His head is thrown back and his hands are on his stomach, as if he can’t contain himself.

The past few months have been a weird rollercoaster of emotions and feelings, of facing fears and seeing the world in a different color. Ryan feels overwhelmed for a moment so he can’t help but walk over and press a kiss on Gavin’s lips, wolf whistles going around the room. In that tiny office, life seems perfect _._ He’s surrounded by the love of his life and his family.

Life is good.

Really, really good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and this is the end!! 
> 
> thank you if you made it here! kudos and comments are greatly appreciated!
> 
> next chapter is an epilogue, image heavy, so you can see what happened to this dork after the story.


	7. epilogue: live a great life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed the work!!


End file.
